Getting Triggered… a Poem

I have been getting really triggered lately…

So then, into the depth of me I started diving,
I noticed a great pain that I was hiding,
Right underneath the stirred up angry waves…

Not wanting me to feel it,
See it, touch it.
Ashamed of self:
To be so overpowered, so weak, so fragile…

A little child feeling small before big angry adults,
Feeling that she could only really live
If she would rise and match their scary thunders.
Yet frozen still,
Afraid of being so frightening
– like they were then… it felt just like a sin.

I dived then even deeper, right into that feeling,
I fell through her sad pain, her fright and her un-love,
And saw that she was split by darkest judgement,
Feeling unworthy of the Light, not able to be whole and loved.

“What do you need to feel Okay and Whole?”

She said: “Your Love I need, Acceptance of myself.”
“I feel I’m bad because I am alone,
There’s no one here just the wall of shame.
Behind it, I see no Light, no Power.
Behind it – I’m small and weak, and I’m the one to blame.
The disappointment keeps dripping just like poison,
I feel unable, wrong, ashamed and small.
To heal this rift between us now –
I need to feel your Love and not the wall.”

So I became a Wave of Pure Loving,
Connecting-shining into aching shade,
Re-membering that all of me is innocent,
Whatever length of time a part of me believed it wasn’t,
Whatever depth of judgement it had held,
None any lesser than the rest beheld.

Each shameful piece was severed by a story:
Where I was hurt and yet I took the blame.
Each piece of blame kept me unworthy
Of Light and Oneness that I am.

“I am right here and I give up blaming
Myself for what occured long time ago,
All parts of me that were still holding judgement,
All parts of me that were not me at all.”

The warmth of Love filled all the aching places,
Warmth spreading out, making segments whole
With me, as me, as Light and Love unfolding,
And feeling safe and happy to just be.

I thought about that (and who)
Which triggered
Me earlier
Into this angry-scared-secret-sacred place…
And thanked my life for generously giving
The Light that made my shadows show themselves.

Kamilla Harra